3 Thoughts Happily Married Couples Should Have In 2024

 One of the most telling pieces of research was conducted by Dr. Helen Fisher, a renowned biological anthropologist, who studied brain scans of people who had been married an average of 21 years and reported they were still madly in love. They all showed similar higher than normal levels of activity in three brain regions. Even if your brain is not naturally wired this way, you can begin to love this way all the same. Here are the 3 things happening in happily married couples’ heads.

Positive Illusions

These still-madly-in-love couples had a high activity level in the area of the brain that is responsible for positive illusions. Having positive illusions is defined as the simple—but sometimes challenging—ability to overlook what you don’t like about somebody to focus on what you do like. In other words, this study affirms that your thoughts matter most to your marriage. For happily married people, their thoughts guide them toward having the marriage they hope for. Whether they are born that way or whether they learned it, their mindsets are set to think well of their spouse. And thinking highly of their spouse ultimately affects behavior toward their spouse. A spouse you think highly of is a well-loved spouse. For you, this may be great news. This is just scientific evidence of why you are crushing it. But for many of us, finding out that our thoughts matter most to our marriage doesn’t seem like good news. But it can be done by becoming intentional about your thoughts about your spouse.

Empathy

The second thing Dr. Helen Fisher discovered in the brains of happily married people was that there were high levels of activity in the part of the brain that is responsible for empathy. Whether these couples’ brains were wired this way from birth or learned it along the way, the end result is the same: more empathy. This discovery was the most impactful on my own marriage. While I have empathy for my wife, my natural approach communicates the opposite. For years, when she shared something challenging with me, I always went into fix-it mode. I’m like a relational Bob the Builder, “Can I fix it? Yes I can!” I tried to fix her problems by giving her advice. 

Controlled Emotions

The third discovery, from the heads of happily married couples, was a higher level of activity in the area of the brain responsible for controlled emotions. As a person who has struggled with ADHD my entire life, I have often said and done things I regretted. But I have hope. While I am not perfect at it, I have learned a new way. I have learned that pausing and taking a breath makes me a much better husband, resulting in a much happier marriage. If I can do it, I promise you can do it too.