Powerful Love

  We made it through trust issues, in-law issues, job loss, financial devastation, and homelessness (twice!). Many times, we weren’t sure we would make it. Our marriage seemed dead. Now we can look back and see how we resurrected it. You can do the same.  Here are 4 ways to bring your marriage back to life. 1. Remember what attracted you to your wife. Sometimes, life gets the best of us and we forget what brought us together. Hold onto that vision and revisit it. She may look a little different and have changed in some areas but, at her core. 2. Start dating again. We rediscovered dating a few years ago, and it’s changed our marriage drastically. We ruthlessly don’t let anything stand in the way of our weekly date. 3. Get away. There is nothing like a week away with your spouse to help your marriage. A break from the norm does wonders in itself. And if you attend an event or retreat geared to help your marriage, it has amazing results. We now attend at least one marriage retre...

  Earlier this year, at a retreat put on by All Pro Dad and WinShape Retreat, I learned that I’m actually good at one type of dance. But it’s something I shouldn’t be good at. It’s called The Marriage Fear Dance. The Marriage Fear Dance is what leads to us being stuck in our marriage and aimlessly going ‘round and ‘round.  It involves a fruitless cycle of button pushing, reactions, fears, and emotions that can keep your marriage in a bad place. Fortunately, we had a good dance instructor at the retreat that taught us how to recognize and learn to dance in a way that is beneficial to our marriage. What is the Marriage Fear Dance? The Marriage Fear Dance is a nonproductive cycle that starts with an action that triggers an emotion driven action in the other spouse. This then leads to the first person defending or reacting from an emotional state as well. Then the back and forth continues. When you find yourself dancing the wrong dance, the Marriage Fear Dance, there are three thi...

  The dream for many people is to marry their best friend. That’s the fairy tale marriage, one that brings together best friends in holy matrimony. The old adage is to be friends first before becoming lovers. And that successful marriages are built on friendship. Be the friend you want your wife to be “More often than not, what you give in marriage is what you will receive in return.” When we teach our kids how to meet new people and develop friendships, we tell them to be friendly. If you are friendly, then you will attract other people who are friendly as well. The same principle applies to our marriages. More often than not, what you give in marriage is what you will receive in return. If we want to be married to our best friend, we need to be the friend we want our wives to be. If we want our wives to listen to us, then we should listen to them. If we want our wives to put our needs first, then we should put their needs first. The list goes on and on.  Focus...

  When I was young, like most teenagers, I could be brash and blunt with little wisdom to guide my words. One particular night, I was out with a group of friends (guys and girls) when a female friend and I started to make fun of each other. The verbal jousting quickly got competitive, even heated. Finally, I said something regrettably cutting, hurtful, and humiliating towards her.   Saying the wrong thing can be like pushing an escalation button. With that in mind, here’s what not to say to your wife during a fight. “At least…” This is normally an attempt to quickly move beyond the issue at hand with a superficial silver lining. It belittles something she feels is important, disregards her feelings, and ultimately, it lacks empathy. Anything that follows these two words will only serve to deepen the conflict and disconnection. “I don’t care.” If this one comes out in the heat of an argument, it can cause significant damage. It will end all communication for the night. The...

  There are things a husband says that lead straight to an angry wife. While some depend on the context, others just need to leave our vocabulary altogether. If you want to be happily married, most of it is going to depend on how you communicate. It’s not always about saying the right things; sometimes it’s about not saying the wrong things. Here are 4 things wives hate hearing their husbands say. Disconnecting Each of these communicates that we are disconnecting from them or leaving them to fend for themselves in meeting the kids’ needs and responsibilities. “I’m going out. I need some  me -time.”  There’s nothing wrong with the occasional me-time, but it does cost her. Make sure she’s OK before you go and those other times, you’re staying home so she can get me-time, too. “Huh?”  You’re disengaged from or, at least, not tuning into her. “I’ll do it later.”  What she hears, whether you mean it or not, is that she and what she needs are not important to you. “No...

  Never go to bed angry. That’s the best marriage tip that a friend about to marry received from his elderly grandfather. His grandparents had survived some rocky years in their marriage to see it blossom into a strong love that had lasted nearly 50 years. I see the wisdom in his grandfather’s advice. If I’ve learned anything in 30 years of marriage to Susan, it’s that how couples handle conflict in marriage greatly affects the overall health and happiness of that marriage. But I also recognize how difficult it is to handle conflict well, especially when it’s late at night after an exhausting day. There have been a number of times in our marriage where Susan and I have not navigated through our late  night conflict in a good way. And we have both gone to bed angry. When that happens, she’s able to fall asleep quickly, while it takes me a long time to fall asleep when I’m stirred up. But both of us feel the effects of the unresolved anger the next day. Going to bed angry n...

  As a marriage speaker and writer, I’ve always been fascinated with marriage research. Yes, you can call me a geek; my wife lovingly does, and she is not wrong. During 2020, I had even more time on my hands to nerd out on marriage research. What I discovered was so fascinating that I decided to write another book,   Us in Mind: How Changing Your Thoughts Can Change Your Marriage . While I wasn’t excited about the writing process, I was excited for people to have the information and the application because I dare say most don’t know either. One of the most telling pieces of research was conducted by Dr. Helen Fisher, a renowned biological anthropologist, who studied brain scans of people who had been married an average of 21 years and reported they were still madly in love. They all showed similar higher than normal levels of activity in three brain regions.  Even if your brain is not naturally wired this way, you can begin to love this way all the same. Here are the 2 th...